Not so short summary of “Subtle art of not giving a F*ck”
Chapter 1: We are born and brought up in modern world with expecting that we can/will/destined to/deserve to get everything we want. Which is obviously not true and when we have to face reality we end up being sad/hurt/dejected/depressed. The problem is in the original thought (remember the fight club quote about everyone dreaming to be a movie star/sports hero, a rock-star). if you ask anyone what they want in life, you will hear
- Money
- more sex
- beautiful wife
- work life balance
- happy family
- nicer boss/colleagues
- meaningful work
- travel more and see the world
list goes on and on, everyone wants all this and then when they don’t get all this then they sit and be sad and complain how fate/life hasn’t been fair to him. Cause hey! you can simply open social media and see that everyone else has got everything so why not me?
What we need to realise is that everything we want to be or achieve is not gonna happen (yes, this is so against what all the positive thought coaches and modern world inspirational motivators will have you believe) but that’s the fucking truth. So in place of being sad (giving fuck about) all those things, we need to decide in our life what are the things we are gonna give a fuck about(which means we will be sad and hurt about them but also we are ready give in our 100% effort, face whatever challenges may come and to persevere any pains required)
Chapter 2: Another misunderstanding we have is that we dream of a life without problem or suffering. That’s not only impractical but such life also will be meaningless. it’s overcoming problems and challenges that makes us happy not their absence. Obviously what we want is to have problems we can challenge and fight against and triumph(good problems). So a happy life is when you have less bad problems and more good problems.
Like physical pain Emotions are just signals that tell you that something is not right, they are feedback mechanism/call to action that’s it; nothing more or less. There is no need to suppress the negative emotions or avoid them but you need to face them. Don’t fuss too much about “how are you feeling” but “why” and “what” you can do about it? and even if the answers is NO, there is nothing you can do about it even then it’s fine; accept that not everything will be perfect and stop giving the fuck about it and go focus on the thing you need to give a fuck about.
Chapter 3:You aren’t extraordinary or special. Neither in good nor in bad way i.e. you are not a gift to humanity and also not the only one who has faced difficulties or tragedies. that being said, thinking that being average or “normal” is a waste of life is wrong and bad for your emotional health.
On the contrary once you accept it’s OK to be average and in the big scheme of things what you do doesn’t really matter, the constant stress and anxiety and the pressure to be the next big thing gets lifted and then probably in this relaxed state where you are free from lofty expectations/judgements, you will be able to try and achieve what you truly wish to accomplish
Chapter 4: Success and failure are relative terms which can only be defined by your “Values” and “metrics” you use to measure them ex- Dave Mustaine (Megadeath-Metallica) & Pete Best(Beatles). Your values decide what you chase and in turn whether you will have good problems or bad problems. As already mentioned in chapter 2, this in turn will determine whether you will count your sufferings to overcome your problems as best or worst time of your life. Have more money — bad value, comparison to someone else — bad metric
Chapter 5: “With great responsibility comes great power”. Hold yourself responsible for your actions no matter what the (how bad) situation and stop thinking yourself as the victim of the circumstances. Also separate Fault and responsibility, fault is in the past- it may or may not have been yours; but responsibility is in present and your actions and what you experience now is always your responsibility. Even in the moments of intense pain, when you know you are not the reason for this pain, remember you are still responsible for your responses/actions
Chapter 6: We are wrong most of the times but our brain try desperately to make us(itself) feel that we are right. Even when faced with evidences contrary to our opinion or beliefs we simply choose to ignore them than changing our opinion. Specially when it comes to the construct of our own identity we have formed — good friend, nice person, good writer, talented artist, not attractive, socially awkward etc, in place of taking action to test out our assumptions and face the truth- whether we are right or wrong, we feel secure in our fictional mental certainty.
Keep on reminding yourself that you are not an expert and everything you believe about yourself is mostly wrong too. Only way to be less wrong and improve yourself is to accept this and test every thought and assumption by trying out and facing uncertainty. This will also lead to happiness in long term even if it hurts you now
Chapter 7: Pain and failures are important for our personal growth. Avoiding failures or to ignore or try to numb your pain(alcohol, drugs) will hurt you in the long term. Your failures are also decided by your values and metrics, so choose wisely. example- value : to be liked by everyone you meet, (externally centred; you have little control) you will always be anxious about meeting people and worried about not embarrassing yourself. Value- to be honest with everyone you meet, (internally driven) you can always work more on being your true self as you meet more new people.
Also don’t always wait for inspiration or motivation, it’s better to start doing something and that itself helps to motivate and inspire you.
Chapter 8: To be for something, you also need to be against something. To give a fuck about something also means not to give fucks about other things.Be more open to rejection in both ways- saying no to others as well as being told no. Don’t take it on your ego or bent over backwards to change every “no” to “yes”. People able to say no to each other is a sign of healthy relationship as honesty comes when there is trust.
Embrace commitment. The real stuff lies at the depth of an experience not in the breadth of experiences (law of diminishing returns). In this FOMO driven world of too many choices, committing yourself to certain cause, person, value gives you perspective, clarity of mind, ability to focus on highly important goals and achieve a greater degree of success.
Chapter 9: Death is the ultimate truth. Eventually everybody is going to die so why worry, why overthink, why give too many fucks? why not try and do something till we have time.
